Tired

"If you really truly love something, you must be willing to let it go."

After a productive and enjoyable meeting with Mat last night at the Olive Garden, I came home and worked through the night finishing 'Avanon,' which I managed to salvage thanks to some last minute red ink from Mat. I really don't feel good about this second story. I need to go back and rethink why it fails to engage me as a reader as well as a writer. The first story, however, continues to garner praise from readers who get to the end of the story and declare, "How cool! More, damn you!"

An interesting side-effect of staying up all night is the ability one possesses late the next day in falling asleep at random times, i.e. the following:

A) Driving home from school and being unable to hold your eyes open in the Liberty Tubes, while still managing to find this funny even as it's happening.

B) Falling asleep within one minute of your girlfriend laying down on your bed and then apparently asking her how her "cartoon murder" was coming.

C) Falling asleep at your girlfriends house after watching her make cookies, only to later reveal in a stupor that yes, you actually had spent money on something that wasn't her and no, that didn't make you irresponsible, immature, not worthy of dating, etc...

I seriously do not remember being over at my girlfriend's after a certain point. A very odd feeling. I am really tired.

I think she's quite through with me, actually. I can never tell which part of our arguments are her and which part are me. One minute we are as happy as can be, lovingly disgusting everyone at the Giant Eagle with our affectionate kisses and playful glances, and all I want to do is hold her in my arms forever. The next moment, she's screaming at me, speeding off and hanging up on my phone calls over the goddamn $115 I spent a month ago on the 'Gala Party' at this weekend's premiere of SW: Revelations. Is she mad that she's not coming with us? She can't be, because I invited her ten times and was systematically refused on the nebulous grounds of 'feeling uncomfortable,' which is girl-speak for "I don't want to go but I want to make sure you feel bad for having a good time."

I don't know. Maybe she needs to go and find a married man, kill off his wife and children, and immediately she could have what she wants in life: stability, marriage, safety. I don't think any of those three words apply to my life right now, and I'm tired of feeling constantly inadequate when compared to her idealized life.