I loooooove you!

So I've decided that the number of "o's" someone uses when they tell you they "loooove" you is inversely proportional to how much they actually love you.

It's like smiling only without raising your eyebrows, and I am onto you. The abundance of letters does not make up for the dearth of practical, tangible affection. "If I use more letters, it'll read like I actually feel it!" Yes, well, no. That is incorrect. One "o." It's like keeping your promises, doing the things you say you're going to do. If you do it, you don't have to emphatically talk about how you *want* to do it. You just did it. It's done. Doooone.

Speaking of proportions, the blog has been disproportionately silent as of late, especially considering the number of things I've had to blog about. The more that happens, the less I blog. I don't understand this curious phenomenon. You'd think I'd have more to say, but nope. Maybe it's because I should say something about what's going on that I don't say anything.

I am so fascinating sometimes when I talk about me.

Anyways, a lot has happened. I, like you, am ramping up for Christmas. I got all my shopping done early this year, so I've been able to largely avoid the steaming, huddled masses lining counters with their "Santa on a Motorcycle" (there is a reason you don't know who invented this) and those mutant mint-tainted Three Musketeers bars (if you want a reason to be against stem-cell research I find these disgusting things to be a good start). I shopped online this year, which was a curious experience. I spent most of the time ogling things I wanted, even buying one or two (yay MiniDV tape organizer!) before forcing myself to focus on others and pick up a few gifts. I didn't go too crazy this year. I dropped about $400, considerably less than I've dropped on Christmas in the past. I remember one year I dropped over a thousand damn dollars on Christmas and I wasn't even working (I remember this vividly because I am still paying for it three years later -- Merry Christmas, Citibank).

Wal-Mart almost killed it for me, though. The spirit almost died. If the spirit of Christmas was a vampire, Wal-Mart would be the wooden stake (Made in China).

Jessie, for some inexplicable reason known only to the swirling thundercloud of crazy that is her consciousness, decided we should go to Wal-Mart to buy gifts for teachers at her school. I sort of concurred with this plan, despite my relative loathing of Wal-Mart (relative=absolute). The place is synonymous with cheap and dirty and I didn't want Jess to spend much money on people she works with, so the option seemed ideal. That was, of course, until we got *into* the Wal-Mart, which apparently around Christmas becomes a third-world refugee camp stuffed with barely clothed children running and screaming, women hauling large baskets full of colorful, worthless items, men in roving rape bands moving through the isles, and people in bland outfits ringing them through with procedural dullness. It was like "Hotel Rwanda" with a frozen food aisle. And there we were, amidst the swirling darkness, clawing desperately for "candy bags" and M&M ornaments, when I felt Christmas slipping away, being replaced by a bitter, hard, angry voice that said, "What is all this bullshit anyways?"

Came this close to losing Christmas. Fortunately we left without buying anything (the lines for the registers would have embarrassed a DMV agent) and so escaped with our souls intact. But only just barely.

This past Wednesday was the company party. This was actually an amazing time. It was the perfect opportunity to test out my latest Conversation Obliterators(TM). I may be losing my hair, but I still possess a superhuman ability to awkwardly end a conversation. Jess howled at the four times it happened - some loosely-assembled group and I would be making inane conversation about what we all "do" (son of a BITCH) and suddenly out of nowhere I would drop some unrelated clunker in there that would send people running. I must do it subconsciously out of bored desperation. I think I actually told people that Jess and I have to drive our recyclables to the recycling center, unlike everyone else in Alexandria who gets theirs picked up with the trash, and how that made us good people. Conversation: Obliterated.

We spent the weekend in New York City with Markimus. At one point I think I gallivanted. I can't be sure. We had a great time, as always. High points included walking around Rockefeller Center on Saturday night, exploring St. Patrick's Cathedral (which is straight out of an amazing fantasy book... my god, the ceilings!), seeing the light show, ogling the tree. That we did it in a literal herd of people only made it more fun. Exhausting, but fun. On Sunday we saw "Wintuk," a Cirque du Soleil show at Madison Square Garden. It was great - definitely whet my appetite for one of the Vegas shows. It also made me feel incredibly lazy, because I pay to watch people in better shape than me do things that I can't. Like, for instance, spin four hula-hoops around myself. Where do you practice something like that?

So, a random time. It's been a good week. I am so excited for Christmas. Work has been crazy - had to deliver a 100-page, 8,400 word module today which was a HUGE accomplishment - but it's going to simmer down. My plans for the holidays?

1. See friends.
2. See family.
3. Watch my nieces and nephews open their gifts.
4. Buy cigars to smoke with Mark.
5. Epic Risk game.
6. Complete video Christmas card to my grandparents.
7. Color-time with Dave.
8. Do Christmas stuff with Jess.
9. Caroling with the Wildfires.
10. Relax, write, and eat cookies.

Talk to you soon, Dear Reader. I loooooove you!!!

Martin

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Conformist

Dear Reader,

I'm really onto something with this "what do you do" business, finding evidence for my loathing in the sweetest, most innocent corners of our cultural consciousness. Inspiration surrounds me. The evidence is mounting. Pretty soon I'll take my case to the people, but ere that I will develop my theories on the Captain's Blog.

That's right: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is what is wrong with America.

For those unaware, a brief review: I hate the question "What do you do?" Sure, the question has its place when determining certain information, but if this is a social conversation and we haven't met before, do not ask me what I do. I will make something up. I will lie to your face and talk about you to the 11 people who inexplicably read this blog. Because, let's face it, you don't care what I do. You just want to know that I do *something* and that your taxes are not paying for me to exist.

So, getting into the spirit as I usually do, i.e. decorating trees, wrapping gifts, avoiding homeless people, I turned on some Christmas music and, lo, actually listened to the lyrics of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Oh my God, this is a horrible, horrible song.

The lyrics to this song would better suit a sad violin solo from "Schindler's List" than the bouncy, ragtime-inspired traditional version. This is a song about a neglected outsider who only gains societal acceptance once the hegemonic "Santa" has a use for his hideous mutant deformity. In short, this is sick, sick, sick.

Let's take it line by line:

Line 1: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose."

Physical deformities are not funny. We wouldn't sing a song about "Thomas the Drunken Cripple had a very wooden leg." At least not in public. And not together. And not to such a catchy melody. Why is it okay for the reindeer to ostracize Rudolph for his nose? He didn't choose to be born that way. And who were his parents? A lightning bug and a Volkswagen? How did he get that nose anyway?

Line 2: "And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows."

Obviously, Rudolph is a recluse. "If you ever saw it" implies that no one has ever seen it, which makes sense because Rudolph is often sitting alone in a cave, crying.

Line 3: "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

I wouldn't come out of my cave either if the other members of my community laughed and called me names all the time. Do they throw things at him too? Sling racial slurs like "Rednose!" and "Redder!"? Maybe they kick him. In fact I'm sure they kick him, having stitched a "kick me" sign to his fur when he was asleep in his cave, his eyes crusted from crying all the time.

Line 4: "They would never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."

Of course. In fact I imagine tormenting Rudolph *is* one of their reindeer games.

Line 5: "Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say..."

Why is Santa coming under the cover of fog and darkness? Is he afraid to be seen going to Rudolph's cave, much like one is afraid to be seen going to see a Kevin Costner movie? Maybe he's always felt bad for Rudolph.

In fact, wait a minute. Santa always is wearing red... follow me on this. Couldn't one even say that Santa has rosy cheeks that... that glow??? What if Santa is... is Rudolph's father?! That sick, sick pervert! Which reindeer do you think is the mother? Whose shame are you, Rudolph? Dancer? Prancer? VIXEN. OF COURSE. We should change the song to "Rudolph the Bastard Love-Child." You disgust me, Santa. What would Mrs. Clause think? UNLESS SHE WAS IN ON IT.

Line 6: "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

I hate you old man! You never loved me! No amount of fog can obfuscate my loathing for you!

Line 7 is the killer, the crux, the big cajones. This line is what really should go down in history.

As evil.

Line 7: "Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee..."

Oh, so NOW they love him? Now that he has a purpose? Now that he can "do" something they recognize as worthwhile? Where was your love for him when you were kicking him and pointing to his cave of sadness and laughing? This is exactly what's wrong with America. I can't imagine Rudolph is the only reindeer with a deformity. How long has Blitzen's fifth hoof been there? Exactly. But before this allegedly foggy night, Rudolph couldn't "do" anything except be hideously ugly and try in vain to dodge the reindeer-pissed snowballs the others threw at him.

Why wasn't Rudolph enough before he could guide the sleigh? Was he any less of a reindeer, really? Why do they love him only after he does something they recognize? What if Rudolph had a gift for ice sculpture? What if he was working on a tell-all memoir that Oprah would put on her book club? No, they don't see that. They only understand one thing, and that is the drudgery of their own lives, the monotony of which is only broken up by making fun of "Rednose."

Line 8: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!"

As an example to the rest of the world of what happens when "what do you do?" is allowed to be asked in polite conversation.

I rest my case.

The 100th Post

Dear Reader,

Woo! Light some candles! Sing that copyrighted song! The Captain's Blog, started in earnest in, dear God, 2005, has hit its 100th post. For those who are new to the blog, welcome. You are entering a strange, passionately over-generalized yet highly amusing world. For those of you who are regulars, welcome back! You honor me by returning every day (except Wednesday... nobody visits on Wednesday). Thank you!

I had a lot of competing ideas about what the 100th post should be about. Should it be very short, containing only a humorous picture? Should be it a long recounting of the amazing weekend I just had?

Jessie had a great idea. In honor of the 100th post, she suggested that I make a list of 100 things. The question was, 100 of what? I thought about doing "100 Things I Hate About Windows XP," which would not only be highly satisfying but would get a head start on the 200th post, "100 More Things I *Really* Hate About Windows XP." I thought of listing the top 100 blog moments, making some fabulous blog retrospective, but that seemed way too appropriately narcissistic and, frankly, redundantly redundant.

The winning idea is this: Martin's Top 100 Moments of 2007. Not my favorite moments, not the best moments. These are the top moments, the "Hitler as Man of the Year 1939" moments, the ones that changed me, moved me, taught me, inspired me, humiliated me. They are mistakes, triumphs, failures, wild successes. Some are comprehensible by anyone, others belong only to me. They are not listed in any particular order, only the one in which I think of them. [Captain's Note: If I left out a moment you think should be here, don't be upset. Exact your revenge by leaving a comment!]

En guarde.

Martin's Top 100 Moments of 2007

100. The reaction of Jessie's mom to the new engagement ring ("Oh my God!")
99. Learning how to hold a cigarette with Emily ("Don't Bogey it.")
98. Playing pool with Brian Holland and his roommate.
97. Watching the sunrise with Dave at Ohiopyle.
96. Stabbing the Darth Vader pinata through the heart with a shattered badminton pole while surrounded by great friends.
95. My last game with Hit The Deck after 11 seasons.
94. Eating the $18 Wagyu fillet at Mark's amazing dinner for us at Ono.
93. Laying a flower on Gran's casket.
92. Quitting the Apple Store, even though I loved working there, because I knew I was leaving town and didn't want to learn the new material about the iPhone.
91. Wading into the Gulf of Mexico at midnight, stumbling drunk and crying.
90. Missing my graduation ceremony after 4.5 years of school.
89. Writing the paper "Experience as a Problematic Rhetorical Strategy for the Wife of Bath" and getting an 'A' from a professor I respected more than any other at Pitt.
88. Being rejected by Georgetown in DC, accepted by Northwestern in IL, and then moving to DC with no job and no plan.
87. Getting hammered on White Russians at "Big Lebowski Night" with the 5725 crew.
88. The two hours gathering soil for the garden with Nate.
87. Eating Blue Bell ice cream at Vicky's house.
86. Fighting over, and completely resolving, an argument with my father.
85. Landing in Atlanta for a connection flight and feeling like I was descending into a city in the clouds.
84. Realizing that I had finally earned Carl's respect.
83. Having to re-shoot the first Dregr scene at midnight after accidentally taping over it.
82. Talking about World of Warcraft with the kid before going on stage in Peoria.
81. The night spent at the hotel with Jessie in Philadelphia.
80. Watching the "Our Mrs. Reynolds" episode of Firefly with Mat.
79. Walking a half-mile into the ocean in ankle-deep water and seeing the cloud of green fish swim around my feet.
78. Fireworks show at Ben and Tara's house over the 4th of July.
77. Waking up at 5 AM to go fishing with Dad and Mark.
76. Falling off of a jet-ski with Jess in the Gulf of Mexico and being surrounded by wild dolphins (I need to stay away from Gulf of Mexico, apparently).
75. Attending the labor day concert on the capital lawn, drinking the free water and listening to amazing music.
74. Going to McDonald's in the rented Mustang to get cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at 11:30 PM.
73. Smoking Kahlua cigars and drinking Heineken, watching the rain, and then shooting off fireworks at the beach.
72. Giving the April 12th concert with Bryan and duetting on "Super Mario Brothers."
71. Lying in Jeffrey's pool talking about the future while a thunderstorm raged around us.
70. Tooch and Jeep's Halloween party and me putting my face in the fire and breaking a chair.
69. Tubing down the Conequenessen and trying to rescue Jess only to pull her down the river without a tube.
68. My night at the priory with Jess for her birthday. Yum!
67. John Williams concert at the Kennedy Center.
66. Walking in front of the tractor-trailer sobbing, screaming "This is who I am!!!" and barely making it off the road in time before getting killed.
65. Smoking on my back lying underneath the billboard texting Emily and asking, "Why is this so hard?"
64. Showing off my junk to Jessie's friends.
63. Mark's superhuman drive off the 18th tee at the 2nd Annual SSCC Invitational.
62. The snowmobiling jumping contest at Chautauqua.
61. Seeing Jenn again and doing her ADR in two hours.
60. Filming with Jeffrey and Luke and Rebecca on the old soundstage.
59. Blowing out the candles on my 25th birthday surrounded by my favorite people.
58. Eating Dave's falafel and storyboarding with him and Steph.
57. Sitting behind the wall and drinking Maneshevitz (sp?) at Mary's Kay's wedding
56. Shoving the TV up the steps in Alexandria after having dropped it on Jessie's finger necessitating a midnight run to CVS.
55. Catching no fish on the fishing trip but still managing to see: amazing dolphins, two sea turtles, and an endangered sunfish.
54: Going to Rochester with Mom to see Tony and Lisa.
53. Hanging out with Deimel and Sara for the first time in three years.
52. Meeting up with an old friend after 7 years of hard feelings.
51. DoubleShot performing in the lobby of Dave and Busters.
50. Playing at after-hours with Brian for the first time in Sedalia.
49. Showing the polio trailer to WQED bigwigs while being dressed like an itinerant guitarist.
48. Running out of money on my way to Alex Bay.
47. Smoking a hookah naked and drunk on vodka.
46. Seeing King Tut's dagger in Philadelphia, the most beautiful man-made thing I have ever seen.
45. Going to the Renaissance Festival with Mat.
44. Finding out there was nothing in the tunnel after all.
43. Snorkeling with Mark and Jess and Jasmine off the island with the deserted fort.
42. Playing the piano at the market in downtown Philly.
41. Getting drunk on $8 Lambrusco with Mat and Jess while scarfing Chewy Chips Ahoy and playing Dirty Minds
40. Dave calling at 10 AM to offer me a 5lb bag of spaghetti when I had no money.
39. The three-figure amazing dinner at La Bergerie with the Caesar Salad and the raw egg and the fish and the souflee and the escargot soup.
38. Laughing at the crazy man at the wax museum who ran his wheelchair up and down the line hassling for hand-outs yet could somehow afford the museum.
37. Eating at the rib crib with Bill and Jess.
36. Randomly calling Steph and talking for over an hour about everything.
35. Eating not one but TWO turkey legges.
34. Recording my CD with Bryan over two days in August.
33. Eating the best seafood dinner of my life at the Salt Rock Grill in Indian Springs, FL (oh my God the crab legs).
32. The call from Emma that I had gotten the job after all.
31. After-hours at the piano with John and Gabriel, a.k.a 20-minute "Amazing Grace" and 12th Street Rag in all the keys.
30. Emily and I walking up to Jeffrey's house and crashing his birthday party after having not seen him for 5 years and 2 years, respectively.
29. "Ticklish Tom" duet with Bryan on Saturday afternoon in the John Stark Tent.
28. Watching "Airplane" with Brian Holland and howling like teenagers the whole night about "Dick Hyman."
27. King of the Hill contest at Chautauqua.
26. Sleeping in the Egyptian cotton at Nawal's, eating an amazing dinner, and sharing a Tetley with Petley.
29. Ordering Chinese food with Tony and hearing him read my liner notes out loud.
28. Making the list of family questions in Wooster.
27. Curling up in front of the fire at WW'07 and nearly dozing off.
26. Putting the bike rack on my car with Dad.
25. The first time I held Sean Christian Gaines (my hand was bigger than he was!)
24. Sleeping in the twin at Mom's house over the summer.
23. Getting my health care card in the mail.
22. Riding in the car with Vicky, Dan, Evan, Jeffrey and laughing our asses off about the rough neighborhood dominated by "the shovel people."
21. Wednesday night performance at Sedalia in the tuxedo with tails.
20. Meeting Richard Dowling.
19. Arranging "Swanee" on a Thursday night and performing it in competition on Sunday.
18. Sitting in the editing room with Carl at 4 AM and talking about life.
17. Co-Hosting the radio show with Bryan and helping him move out of his apartment.
16. Smoking on the porch with Scott.
15. Going to not one but TWO Steelers games (both mysteriously against the Bengals).
14. Watching "Planet Earth" with the roommates.
13. Throwing lessons with Dave W.
12. Chris C., after not seeing me play dodgeball for months, exclaiming, "When did Martin learn how to throw? Holy crap!"
11. Walking the abandoned Drake line at dusk with Mat.
10. Losing at Peoria after everyone told me I was "number 1."
9. Getting the care package from Mr. C.
8. Presenting on the post-modern, dystopian elements of "Crash" to my film class.
7. Sex on the third night of the Florida vacation (holy yikes).
6. Decorating the apartment with Jess.
5. Writers' Weekend forest walk.
4. Emily dancing to the "The Charleston Rag."
3. The first time I heard the voice of my therapist.
2. The last time I ever took Paxil.
1. Touching Gran's shoulder at her viewing.

Wow. Okay, that was hard. And then easy. And then hard again, because I had too many. What a year. I can't believe how far I traveled to get back to where I am. Thank you for being there for me, behind me, with me, and beside me. More adventures on the way, no doubt.

Your,
Martin