Rudolph the Red-Nosed Conformist

Dear Reader,

I'm really onto something with this "what do you do" business, finding evidence for my loathing in the sweetest, most innocent corners of our cultural consciousness. Inspiration surrounds me. The evidence is mounting. Pretty soon I'll take my case to the people, but ere that I will develop my theories on the Captain's Blog.

That's right: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is what is wrong with America.

For those unaware, a brief review: I hate the question "What do you do?" Sure, the question has its place when determining certain information, but if this is a social conversation and we haven't met before, do not ask me what I do. I will make something up. I will lie to your face and talk about you to the 11 people who inexplicably read this blog. Because, let's face it, you don't care what I do. You just want to know that I do *something* and that your taxes are not paying for me to exist.

So, getting into the spirit as I usually do, i.e. decorating trees, wrapping gifts, avoiding homeless people, I turned on some Christmas music and, lo, actually listened to the lyrics of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Oh my God, this is a horrible, horrible song.

The lyrics to this song would better suit a sad violin solo from "Schindler's List" than the bouncy, ragtime-inspired traditional version. This is a song about a neglected outsider who only gains societal acceptance once the hegemonic "Santa" has a use for his hideous mutant deformity. In short, this is sick, sick, sick.

Let's take it line by line:

Line 1: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose."

Physical deformities are not funny. We wouldn't sing a song about "Thomas the Drunken Cripple had a very wooden leg." At least not in public. And not together. And not to such a catchy melody. Why is it okay for the reindeer to ostracize Rudolph for his nose? He didn't choose to be born that way. And who were his parents? A lightning bug and a Volkswagen? How did he get that nose anyway?

Line 2: "And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows."

Obviously, Rudolph is a recluse. "If you ever saw it" implies that no one has ever seen it, which makes sense because Rudolph is often sitting alone in a cave, crying.

Line 3: "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

I wouldn't come out of my cave either if the other members of my community laughed and called me names all the time. Do they throw things at him too? Sling racial slurs like "Rednose!" and "Redder!"? Maybe they kick him. In fact I'm sure they kick him, having stitched a "kick me" sign to his fur when he was asleep in his cave, his eyes crusted from crying all the time.

Line 4: "They would never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."

Of course. In fact I imagine tormenting Rudolph *is* one of their reindeer games.

Line 5: "Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say..."

Why is Santa coming under the cover of fog and darkness? Is he afraid to be seen going to Rudolph's cave, much like one is afraid to be seen going to see a Kevin Costner movie? Maybe he's always felt bad for Rudolph.

In fact, wait a minute. Santa always is wearing red... follow me on this. Couldn't one even say that Santa has rosy cheeks that... that glow??? What if Santa is... is Rudolph's father?! That sick, sick pervert! Which reindeer do you think is the mother? Whose shame are you, Rudolph? Dancer? Prancer? VIXEN. OF COURSE. We should change the song to "Rudolph the Bastard Love-Child." You disgust me, Santa. What would Mrs. Clause think? UNLESS SHE WAS IN ON IT.

Line 6: "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

I hate you old man! You never loved me! No amount of fog can obfuscate my loathing for you!

Line 7 is the killer, the crux, the big cajones. This line is what really should go down in history.

As evil.

Line 7: "Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee..."

Oh, so NOW they love him? Now that he has a purpose? Now that he can "do" something they recognize as worthwhile? Where was your love for him when you were kicking him and pointing to his cave of sadness and laughing? This is exactly what's wrong with America. I can't imagine Rudolph is the only reindeer with a deformity. How long has Blitzen's fifth hoof been there? Exactly. But before this allegedly foggy night, Rudolph couldn't "do" anything except be hideously ugly and try in vain to dodge the reindeer-pissed snowballs the others threw at him.

Why wasn't Rudolph enough before he could guide the sleigh? Was he any less of a reindeer, really? Why do they love him only after he does something they recognize? What if Rudolph had a gift for ice sculpture? What if he was working on a tell-all memoir that Oprah would put on her book club? No, they don't see that. They only understand one thing, and that is the drudgery of their own lives, the monotony of which is only broken up by making fun of "Rednose."

Line 8: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!"

As an example to the rest of the world of what happens when "what do you do?" is allowed to be asked in polite conversation.

I rest my case.