27 Reasons I Am Surely 26

Pop the Cialis. Inform the AARP.

I actually heard my woman say the words "at your age" tonight. As in, "Martin, at your age, you can't really expect to get toys at Christmas."

I replied eloquently. Respectfully. Insightfully.

"What the hell did you just say?" I said.

But it was true. Her guns were stuck to. And in front of my father and his wife, no less, who are visiting from Pittsburgh and so far have seemed to enjoy how stable and welcoming and warm my highly adult life is. They were commenting on how we will be getting "couples" gifts from now on. A coffeemaker, for instance. His-and-Hers socks.

"How about an urn?" I wanted to say, biting my tongue. "Should I draw up a will while we're at it?"

You see, I deliberately did not extinguish my individual candle at the wedding. Jessie did not extinguish hers, either. A wind blew up at that point in the ceremony and whisked what little flames we had enkindled up into an airy smoke that set off to join the Clouds of Time, but that doesn't mean I stopped existing as my own person. "Couples gifts." "At your age..." Bah. Judge me by my age, do you?

Of course you do. I'm 26. At my age, my grandfather had saved the world from Nazis and fathered three children. 7 may be the Age of Reason and 18 the Age of Unreasonableness, but 26 is when you should Have a Fucking Clue About Your Life. 26 is the age at which I thought my sisters should Know Better and Be Adults. They had garages for Christ sake. They were grown-ups.

And now, dear Reader, I fear that I, too, have grown up. Or at least have been asked to dress like a grown-up and be willing to not get toys for Christmas. I worry about what I write on here because what if somebody reads it and thinks I'm not as put-together as I should be? What if someone goes, "Someone his age shouldn't be writing like this" or, worse, "Isn't he too old for this?"

So I've decided to compile a list of 27 signs that I am actually 26. I'm including a bonus one in case one of them is stupid, which is likely considering I'm writing this in my pajamas on a work night (take that, adulthood!)

The 27 Signs You, Martin, Are Indeed 26

1. There is hair on your butt.
2. You were born before "Return of the Jedi" came out. That was before the Original Trilogy was finished and 16 years before George Lucas ruined Star Wars with "The Phantom Menace."
3. You are older than the Super Mario Bros. (Mercifully, you are still younger than the "Pong" paddles.)
4. You take more than two pills at night.
   
5. You remember Michael Jackson actually being a sex symbol. For women.
   
6. Advertisers no longer covet your disposable income.
   
7. You were 2 years old when Apple aired their landmark "1984" ad. You think that ad is retro? You are older than it.
   
8. There is a symphony of popping sounds in your knees when you kneel down and stand up. (It's syncopated, thank God.)
   
9. One of your favorite toys growing up was a Fisher Price record player. That played records (Michael Jackson's "Beat It" on 45rpm? Anyone?)
10. Jesus, you know what a 45rpm record is.
11. I mean, seriously, I should just stop this list right there.
    
12. You remember when computer screens had two colors: Orange, and Not Orange.
13. That CD you made a year ago? When you were born, CDs hadn't even been invented yet.
14. Your favorite shows on Saturday morning were "Garfield and Friends," "Muppet Babies," and "Heathcliff."
    
15. You remember Mister Donut and still resent Dunkin' Donuts for wiping it out. Bitches. America runs on MY FIST.
    
16. You didn't have Cable TV until 1988, at which point your family watched "Perfect Strangers" and "Step By Step" and "Who's the Boss."
    
17. You know who Jaleel White is and you still get excited at the prospect of "Double Dare" reruns.
18. You actually have pains you would describe as "aches."
    
19. The theme song from "Doug" is constantly playing in your head somewhere. Doo doo doo, do do do dooo do dooo do do... doo doo doooo, doo doo doo do, doooo, doo, dee doo... Dammit.
20. Your favorite stuffed animal as a child was a giant blue Smurf.
    
21. You know what the word "baud" means, and you existed before word processors knew how to "word wrap."
    
22. You are older than eBay and Amazon.com combined. In fact, you are older than any website. Ever. (the first appeared in 1991)
    
23. You don't understand Bratz Dolls (a.k.a. "Hooker Barbie"), Hannah Montana (I'll tap me some of th... wait she's how old?!?), or any other manufactured musical demon spawn of Disney. Bring back Alan Menken.
    
24. You still cry at the end of "Pee Wee's Playhouse."
25. Did I mention that you are older than the World Wide Web? Oh, also, and you remember when anyone actually called it that?
    
26. You get most of the ridiculously obscure references in "Family Guy."
27. It took a list this long to make fun of how old you are.

Wow. That was edifying. And depressing as hell. Well, at my age, I suppose I shouldn't be making these lists. It'll be all "couples lists" from here on out.

But I'll be damned if I don't ask for toys for Christmas. Screw adulthood. I have the rest of my life to be all growed up...

Your,
Martin